Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
Finding out important things about your partner before getting married is crucial. If you dated, the basics have been established. Those beginning skirmishes over where to eat, what to eat, and even how I eat have all been fought and settled. At this point, the battle is halfway won. Not that marriage is a battle. It's more of an uprising by an insurgent. Wearing them down to the point where you can eat BBQ every meal for the rest of your lives
becomes the objective.
When we got married it was mandatory (at least in our Evangelical circles) for the bride and groom to have marriage counseling with their pastor or priest. The purpose was to address communication issues and teach the importance of being open in your marriage. It is too late after you say “I do” to discover it's wrong to put the ice cream back in the freezer with your fork still in the carton or serve your beloved a breakfast of banana slices in a bowl of orange juice. Some counselors set up situations in order to encourage conflict. They would then lead the engaged couple through exercises on conflict resolution and problem-solving. Personally, lessons on how to avoid conflict would have been more useful.
“That’s all I wanted to say.” I put my hands in my pockets and stared at the ground.
“I don’t even know you,” my wife said to me. Her mouth hung open and her eyes bulged with shock.
“What?”
“Ten years of marriage and now you tell me?”
“Look, I kept it in as long as I could. It just got to be too much.”
“But you enjoyed…”
“I did, but now…”
“What am I supposed to do now?”
“Nothing, it's a 'me problem not a 'you problem.' ”
“Everyone likes grilled cheese sandwiches!”
I shrugged. “I’ve had enough.”
Disliking grilled cheese sandwiches was not the only surprise I sprung on my poor wife over the years. I like wearing plaid pants and colored socks, and never want to make the same meal twice. I dislike fast food, chain restaurants, and tea. I prefer pork over steak and Pepsi to Coke. It is possible these things should have been disclosed earlier. None of them are deal-breakers, but it would have been nice to know.
Other times, it is better to hide the crazy. I like to aimlessly drive, trying new routes, turning where I have never turned before. If it takes twenty-five minutes to get to my brother’s house fifteen minutes away, what difference does it make? My dream vacation would involve aiming for a destination and then trying to get there while enjoying all the kitsch of Americana on the way.
My wife, a pilot, prefers schedules and plans.
“Look! If we stop for ice cream we can look at the world’s largest plastic armadillo!” I gesture animatedly at what I hope is a large plastic animal pictured on my cell phone. It's either that or I’ve gone somewhere I should not have been on the internet.
“Or…” my wife counters, “We could actually try to get to the hotel before 7:30 tonight. We have breakfast tomorrow with the Johnsons and then I bought cave tickets for 11 and we have to get on the tram by 2:30 in order to get back for the evening outdoor showing of Star Wars at 7!”
“Or…we can see the Johnsons, and then drive north! I think there is a collection of old cars there.”
“Where?”
"North! About an hour and a half. We can get coffee somewhere.”
“I have no words. And you have no idea which way is north. You’re pointing west.”
My wife enjoys nothing better than making a plan and telling me about it. I try to pay attention, I really do.
“OK, we’ll leave here tomorrow and we have to go north once we get to the interchange.” My poor wife sits down next to me at the table in the lobby of our hotel.
“North got it.” What I’m really thinking about is BBQ sauce.
“Once we get on blah highway, it's a straight blah blah the state park.”
“Got it.” I wonder if that BBQ joint is close to the highway…
“So blah blah blah, blah blah then for lunch.”
“Do they have pulled pork?” Remember that massive pulled pork sandwich we had in Atlanta?
“What? I don’t blah blah blah blah blah….blah.”
“Well, ok.”
“Blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Bill! Are you listening!”
“Yes, yes. Highway, state park, lunch.” Sweet and spicy!
The next morning it's all gone.
“Turn! Here! NO! North!”
“Left or right! Left or right!” North to me is just a word. I am pretty sure north is the direction I am facing at any particular moment.
“Follow the signs! Noooooo…ugh…”
“There is an exit in four miles, I’ll turn around.”
By now my wife wants nothing to do with me. She also knows that if she refuses to point out the next exit, I will blow right past it. Which I proceed to do without even blinking.
“So east it is!” My wife frantically stabs the screen of her phone, trying to get maps running.
“What?” I ask. “I thought we were going north?”
“No, you missed the turnaround and the road turned east.”
“Why do they do that? OK. Here’s an exit….I’ll take it….and…” I stop at the bottom of the exit ramp. There is nothing to see in either direction. No gas stations, no fast food, no signs…
“This is an exit-only intersection. There is no on-ramp.” Holding her head, she squints at the GPS on her phone.
“Are we lost?” This is our eight-year-old whose two greatest fears in life are getting lost and running out of gas. Naturally, his question causes the gas gauge to start pinging.
“Follow this road and turn left at the next intersection. Eighteen miles away.” My wife the navigator to the rescue! “And when we can pull over, I’m driving.”
I am not sure marriage counseling would have made a difference in any case. Some things can not be learned until you are in the middle of Kansas looking for a diner you read about on the internet.
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First posted at: https://medium.com/muddyum/communication-in-any-relationship-turn-here-north-north-f9a7ed32905f
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