link to photo photographer: user21690384
Right at the top, I have to say that I love buffets and their church-going counterparts--potlucks. Old China Buffet, New China Buffet, Pizza Inn, or Old Country Buffet, take your pick I love
them all. What could go wrong when you eat at a buffet? Table after table of food, all of which you can decide to eat or not eat! Want more pop-corn shrimp? Go get them. Not a big fan of the garlic mashed potatoes? Move on
to something else. Ice cream? Do they have a soft-serve ice cream dispenser? Even better!
But a church potluck is different. A potluck raises the difficulty level higher than that of a buffet.
Holding your Styrofoam plate with the divided sections on it so the food does not touch, you twist and strain to see down the line. The Old/New China Buffet is only going to serve one thing (well, one did have a surprisingly good taco selection but that is a different story). But a church potluck? All bets are off. You never know what is going to be on the serving table. People make weird things and then believe they have the right to serve it to others.
So there you stand, flipping your plate over nervously and shuffling forward a few inches at a time trying not to judge the choices of old widow Smithson in front of you. (By the way, does she really need three heaping servings of baked beans?) Grabbing a few pieces of salad from the least wilted bowl of salad (this one has chickpeas but that one has imitation bacon bits1...go with the chickpeas) you shuffle forward to the main dishes. Here is where experience comes into play.
If you are at your home church you should have some idea of what dishes came with what families. You can avoid the potato salad with the raisins, apples, and shredded beets because that is Mrs. Johnson’s and it has beets. The casserole of sliced hot dogs in pizza sauce with shredded cheddar cheese and shoestring potato chips sprinkled on top can be by-passed. The bucket of fried chicken? Too easy, Mr. Fletcher the church bachelor. If you are visiting a friend’s church, go through the line with them. Take what they take and nothing else, do not go rogue.
Of utmost importance is to have something on your plate before you reach the end of the main dishes. If the sloppy-joe interests you in the slightest, take it then and there. There is no backtracking at a church potluck, it is simply not allowed. If you passed it, tough luck. You should have grabbed it when you had the chance. Arriving at the end of the main dishes with an empty plate is a rookie mistake. It is at this point someone will try to help you.
“You have nothing on your plate dear.” This is your Aunt Sarah trying to be helpful. “The pizza looks good.”
No, it does not and that is because you have arrived at the hippie section of the food table. The food table is always laid out the same (it's in the 3rd Book of Church Food, chapter 5.) First are the plates, napkins, and plastic forks. Then the salads, followed by the main dishes (included here are your rice dishes, anything with potatoes, all kinds of pasta and the casseroles) and at the end the desserts. Between the main dishes and the desserts is the hippie section.
Every church has its hippie contingent. They are not all 60’s hippies. This group includes the family with ten kids who is a little too into alternative schooling and want to tell you all about it. Of course, the one family that does not eat anything artificial also brought food. If you are lucky, there might actually be a 60’s hippie family, you can tell because the wife’s name is Sunny and you wish you were brave enough to dress as comfortable as they do. You have arrived at the part of the table with their food.
“Umm...I’m not...no pizza.” You turn your head as someone taps you on your shoulder.
“We made the flour ourselves from wheat we grew in our yard. The tomato sauce is purple because we found some purple tomato seeds at the plant nursery.” Mrs. Sunny smiles as she holds out a slice of pizza. “The pepperoni is made from soybeans.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Sunny. I’ll take it.” One of the rules of potluck is you take food when offered directly by the person who made it.
Your brother behind you snickers. He has a pulled pork sandwich from the platter that was on the other side of the table2 and some roasted corn on the cob balanced on homemade garlic bread. You decide to go full hippie and fill your place with tahini salad and some hummus.
Walking away from the serving line you try to find a seat that is not next to someone whose food you did not take. It is very hard to decline their offer to bring you some of their food when they notice your plate is a little empty.
But, believe it or not, you are still in good shape. All the desserts are not out yet and you resisted to urge to fill up on bread.3 People might think the dessert is the easy part of the potluck, but they would be wrong. It is very important that you time your move to the desserts correctly. If you arrive too early, not all the desserts are out yet. All you have to choose from are brownies and oatmeal raisin cookies. All the desserts needing refrigeration are still in the kitchen. Time it right and the creme pies, the homemade ice cream, and the strawberry-filled cream puffs are all yours. You just have to beat the twelve-year-olds to the table.
1 I loved those little dark red nuggets of bacon flavor when I was younger. Just the sight of them on the table made my brothers and I pump our little arms in the air. When I served them to my family recently chaos and moral outrage ensued. Our 12-year-old daughter fled the table to spit her salad into the toilet. I am starting to come to the conclusion that my childhood memories may be faulty.
2 The First Law of the Potluck is that your mom’s food will be gone by the time you are through the line. The Second Law of the Potluck says the serving line on the other side of the table then you are will have better food.
3 The bread at a church potluck is amazing--Sourdoughs, marbled ryes, soft dinner rolls...
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